Funny People

Written May 2009

Upon returning to work after an amazing weekend with the women, I find myself chatting with the coworker who covered my shift on Friday. I am feeling grateful for his help and loving a chance to express how great the retreat was. He tells me how happy he is that I had a good time and begins detailing his weekend fighting the sottish Memphis in May crowd. In the middle of a story about two women whom he caught trying to urinate in the garage, he stops and says, “But they were funny people.” He then shrugs his shoulders in a “and you just can’t expect any better from them” gesture. Immediately, I think, oh please don’t go there. My silence leads him to believe that I need educated on the matter. He continues, “They were women lovers…you know, dykey dykes?” I take a deep breath, focus on the building across from us, clench my pocketed fists, grind my teeth, and answer, “Yes, I know what they are.” From that moment on, the conversation was nothing more than his litany on how nice it is to be on a retreat reading the Bible and other such glorious things.

What is it they say about assuming?

Oh right…

Dear Mr. Pee-Pee Stopper,

We weren’t reading the Bible. We did read tarot cards and each other’s poetry, though. Certainly, if someone had wished to bring along a Bible, she could have. But as far as I know, no one did.

You know what else no one did? No one ranted about who wears too much or not enough make-up. No one gossiped about whose husband is sleeping around or which wife he’s doing it with. No one made anyone feel inadequate, ugly, inferior, unwelcomed, or out of place. No one condemned anyone else to hell. .

These women talked about their children, their life lessons and experiences, saving the planet, and the men they love or have loved. And some of them talked about *gasp* the women they love. But shockingly, no one peed on the staircase.

Funny People? Dykey Dykes? You mean lesbians and sapphists…carpet munchers, muff divers, bulldykes, butches, femmes, queers, lezbos, and lezzies? Oh, I know what those are! I just didn’t know that being one explained unscrupulous behaviors such as using a public garage stairwell as a toilet.

I know what women lovers are. But obviously, you don’t.

Sincerely,

A Woman Lover Who Uses the Toilet (as do most dykey dykes)

PS Thanks for covering my shift!